I’ve always considered reacting and responding as two different types of behavior relative to an outside stimulus. This week I’ve been thinking about the differences within a new paradigm…money, of course!
The definition of ‘react’ is to act in response to something, and doesn’t have anything to do with whether the ‘acting’ part is positive or negative; it can be reciprocal, in a reverse direction or manner, in opposition, or in agreement to the stimulus in question.
The definition of ‘respond’ has to do with reacting favorably, or more slowly, to a stimulus which is asking or needing a reaction from you.
If I can make this simple: Reactions are quick, almost instinctual actions to stimuli. Responses are more deliberate, controlled and, I might even add, peaceful.
The Catalyst: My Visit With Mom
The reason I’ve been exploring reacting vs. responding this week is that I have just spent the past two weeks tending to my mother who got very sick and ended up in the ICU for more than a week and, as always, I search for metaphor and comparison between all things and money.
When I visit her, I always notice that she has a tendency to ‘react’ to things in her environment: news in the paper or on TV, comments from friends, little things that happen during her days. It’s not her reactions to these things that I notice most; it’s how I feel, and what I think, when she’s doing the reacting.
What I notice is that my general peaceful demeanor is disturbed; her stark reactions catch me off guard as she swears at a news anchor’s opinion, disagrees vehemently with an article about immigration or expresses herself in any number of ways that begin with, “Oh ____!”.
I notice that, as the days go by, I become less tolerant of her reactions and become more passive in my stance toward the things she is reacting to. I don’t do this to be contrary…I rarely even verbalize what I’m thinking…I simply choose to take a more peaceful position as it better serves my spirit.
When I first arrive, I react poorly to her reactions because they’re fresh and new (again) and as the days go by, though I am less tolerant OF her reactions, I don’t react so much as choose no reaction. In other words, I remember I can choose to respond with no reaction at all. (Though, in truth, less tolerance is a reaction of sorts…it’s an ongoing inquiry for me:-)
OK, let’s explore what the concepts of reacting and responding have to do with money and the financial situations we find ourselves in.
Financial Reactions
Reacting to Money
Our financial reactions greatly affect what we do with our money. We can learn volumes about our financial thoughts, beliefs and attitudes by noticing our reactions.
Once you become aware of the reactions you experience on a regular basis, you’ll be able to take a normally stressful financial situation and transform it into an event that you need simply to respond to. As you’ll see, when you respond to money matters from a non-emotional place, you’ll begin to experience TRUE financial freedom in your life.
When we can change a reaction into a chosen response, it means that we’re in control again and that’s when we start to feel better about ourselves and our lives.
Where To Begin?
The first thing to recognize is the energetic difference in your body (specifically your nervous system) between when you’re reacting and when you’re responding. The former is what most of us could label as a knee-jerk reaction. Something happens and we instantaneously ‘do’ something…and it’s that something we do that we need to become aware of. Responding, however, has a more peaceful energy to it. It usually involves breathing!
The next step is to recognize the emotions that accompany the reactions you’re having around money.
Here are two question you can ask yourself:
- Do I regularly get upset when a negative financial event happens in my life? Do I get mad, swear out loud or at others, hit something, eat or drink something unhealthy, lose myself in TV or in some other way, attempt to escape the situation?
- On the flip side, do I get excited when a positive financial event happens? Do I feel ‘up’, talk fast, feel happy and excited, spend money in order to celebrate the event?
You’ll want to look next at what happens AFTER you experience the initial reaction (whether upset or excited). Do you experience a let down of sorts? When we experience anger or excitement about a situation, it often dissipates quickly and we can find ourselves in an emotional state that many describe as ‘being in limbo’…you’re not really sure where to go or what to feel at this point. One thing is for sure, however, most people in this position feel completely OUT OF CONTROL at this point.
With money, we tend to react instead of respond to our situations because no one ever taught us that the everyday roller coaster ride is actually pretty normal.
MONEY would find this ride inconsequential, perhaps even a bit amusing if we asked it, and doesn’t care a hoot about whether its intrinsic value is up or down. But WE make it mean all kinds of things about ourselves and our lives and, hence, have many opportunities to react to those meanings.
And this is where our financial problems begin and herein, also, lies the major key to making a massive change in your financial situation so you can experience true financial freedom. You MUST (and I mean MUST) change the way you ‘see’ money in your life in order to morph your reactions into controlled responses. Let’s explore some ways to do just that.
Transforming Reaction to Responding: What You Can Do Instead
Once you begin to notice your reactions to all things financial, you begin to have the power to craft more supportive, premeditated responses which will help you change the way you ‘do’ money. The following steps will help you improve your financial situation and bring you more peace of mind than you had ever imagined money could.
Step One: Notice which particular financial situations you react to the most. If you react to almost everything related to money, start with something small. Examples of events that might trigger a reaction:
- someone doesn’t pay you what they owe you when they are supposed to.
- your hours are cut at work.
- a client cancels a job.
- a check that someone gave you bounces which causes your account to be overdrawn.
- your interest rate on your credit card goes up.
- your car breaks down or needs new tires.
- you son loses the new $75 soccer shoes you just bought him.
- your daughter calls home (or emails) from college saying she has two cavities.
- the price of your favorite coffee drink goes up 25 cents.
- the white shirt you wear with several of your favorite outfits gets a big stain on it.
You get the picture…
Step Two: Know that you are NOT the only one that these things happen to.
Step Three: Reframe Step Two as follows…
“Things don’t happen TO you, they just happen. How you RESPOND to them is based on who you’re choosing to be in the moment.”
Step Four: Notice your ‘reaction’ to one of these events. Write down exactly how you’re feeling about the event IN YOUR BODY. In other words, use phrases like this, “My breath gets shorts, I can’t take in a deep breath, my temperature goes up, I feel my heart racing, I get a headache, I get nervous and shaky.” Resist labeling the reaction as much as you can.
Step Five: Ask yourself what you were thinking right after the ‘event’ and right before the ‘reaction’. Write that down next. It could be something as simple as “Oh, jeesh, it’s just one more thing I have to deal with and I already have too much on my plate” to “Oh no, that’s going to cost me everything I have in my savings. NOW what am I going to do?”
Step Six: Once you write down what you were thinking, take a breath. Take several breaths actually because this next step can be taxing on the ole’ noggin. You must, at this point, begin a deeper inquiry by asking yourself this next question: “What do I believe about money, wealth, finances, myself, others or the world that caused me to react this way?”
I’ll tell you right now…this part is SOOO worth the brain and heart time I can’t begin to express it to you! You MUST do this step or nothing will change. NOTHING! It can’t.
Until you discover, uncover, unearth the belief (foundation) beneath the thought which is beneath the feeling which is beneath the reaction, you will continue reacting and continue to get what you’ve gotten to this point.
Note: This step can take some time, or the answer can come quickly. And sometimes the initial answer isn’t really the answer. You have to be willing to go deep on this on. Think of it as a ladder of inquiry that goes DOWN instead of UP.
Step Seven: Once you have the answer to Step Six, the fun begins. YOU now get to design and craft a new belief that serves you instead of wreaks havoc in your life. YOU get to choose and this is where it gets exciting!
Take the new belief and craft a new thought around it. Play with the thought. How does this new thought make you FEEL? When it makes you feel good instead of bad, take the next step back UP the ladder. With this new belief and new thought and new positive feeling, how will you CHOOSE to respond now to this financial event?
Wow, now you’re getting somewhere.
OK, I’m going to be Jan for a minute and ask you to GET REAL here. You KNOW this is going to take some energy. You know this may take more self-inquiry than you’ve ever done before or have ever been willing to do.
The keys to transforming your financial reactions into supportive financial responses is right here…being served to you in a simple, straightforward, easy to understand, step-by-step process.
The big question…the biggest question is “Will you do it?”
If peace of mind is worth enough to you, you will. If not, you won’t.
Now THAT’S something to think about!
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